Pain & Guilt

As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

The pain of burying a child is the worst pain a human can experience. We all have expectations to live long lives. But, it’s impossible to know when you will experience death. For me, the pain of losing Samaad, my niece, my brother, and my son’s father will never go away. Especially since they each died in 4 different ways. In 3 years I experienced death by murder, car accident, COVID and suicide. 

I experienced a lot of guilt with Samaad, not because I wasn’t there and present in his life, but because I felt as though I couldn’t save my son, I felt guilt because I ruined his basketball career by moving him to Somerset and the coaches didn’t respect his game, I felt guilt because I sent him into depression by not teaching him how to deal with the death of my Dad, I felt guilt for moving him to Somerset to give him a better life. I felt guilt because I thought I was moving him to a better environment, a better school system only for his life to be taken. 

Yes, these are all valid points, but it leaves out the reality. Samaad’s life was taken by 5 people who made that choice at that very moment on 12/31/2019. That’s a factor I cannot change. To get through the painful moments I dwell on the memories I was able to make with Samaad. All of the experiences I had with him good and bad. 

Along with the guilt comes regret. That’s when your guilty feelings turn into remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. That’s another factor you cannot change. What’s done is done when death comes. The only way to beat regret is to understand that life comes to an end at some point. Once you understand that you treat and live life differently. You make plenty of memories with your loved ones, you don’t take life and time with loved ones for granted. I often regret my last days with Samaad. I didn’t get a chance to physically see him even though I saw him on FaceTime the morning he was shot. I regret some mistakes I made raising him. But those mistakes have allowed me to parent my other 2 sons differently. Don’t let the pain and guilt of losing a loved one take you away from your present moments. You will miss out and can never get those moments back! 

Remember to Live Life, Love Life & Have the Life You Deserve!

Like, Share, Comment & Subscribe so you know when a new blog posts!